Trump Issues Executive Order to Defeat ISIS in 30 Days: President Trump has signed an executive order which instructs the U.S. military’s Joint Chiefs of staff to come up with a plan in 30 days to defeat ISIS. In other executive actions, the President issued orders directing the National Institutes of Health (NIH) to come up with a plan to cure cancer, Athletes Foot and Herpes Simplex 2 in the next 30 days.
Study Finds Depression Poses Risk to Heart Health: A new study out of Germany suggests that depression poses just as great a risk to your heart health as those more familiar heart disease contributors such as smoking, high cholesterol and obesity. In response, a Trump appointee to the National Institutes of Health (NIH) is suggesting that “everyone just cheer up.”
Hasbro’s New Line of Robotic Cats for Seniors: Hasbro has just come out with a line of $99 robot cats, specially designed to act as companion pets for people in old folks homes. Geez, $99 for a fake cat? That’s a lot of scratch! And of course artificial hairballs will have to be purchased extra. On a positive note, when some senile old batty forgets to feed the damn thing, nobody gonna get hurt. “Give it new batteries Grandma, not canned tuna!” As for me, I’ve left specific instructions for my family that, if it ever comes down to this — just pull the frigg’n plug on me.