Trump Picks NY Jets Owner to be Ambassador to UK: Prominent Republican donor Woody Johnson, the owner of the New York Jets and scion of the Johnson & Johnson industrial dynasty, has been nominated by Donald Trump to be the next US ambassador to London. Trump says Johnson’s eminently qualified because he’s well aware that color and labor are spelled “colour and labour” over there. But seriously, the Brits must realize they’re about to get screwed when a guy named “Woody Johnson” gets appointed your ambassador. Makes you wonder what the hell his middle name could be — I’m guessing Pecker.
Drug Lord El Chapo Guzmán Extradited to US: The Mexican government has extradited its most notorious drug kingpin, the often elusive Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán, to the United States to face a raft of federal charges related to the trafficking of tons of narcotics over more than two decades. He’s going to dig a yuge tunnel — and America’s going to pay for it!
New White House Press Secretary Plugs Trump’s DC Hotel: Incoming White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer took time out of his first official press conference to “encourage” people to visit Donald Trump’s Washington DC hotel, calling it “symbolic of the kind of government that Trump’s going to run — ahead of time and under budget.” No kidding! Guess its pretty easy to come in “under budget” if you don’t pay the contractors. And, if you mention Sean Spicer’s name, you’ll get a free upgrade to a room where every fixture in the shower is made of gold.